Digital Dating: Not Just For Nerds Anymore, by Sandi GriffinEdit
"Why on earth would a popular person place a personal ad on the Internet? Well, let's face it. It's hard enough to match accessories (especially greens), so how likely is it that you'll meet your perfect match among the panting losers at the local high school? Maybe it's time to look beyond your city limits, especially if you have somehow developed a completely undeserved reputation for paranoia and viciousness. When I find out who's behind those rumors I will skin them alive.
"Since it's bleak living in a landlocked suburb where the local dating pool is covered with scum, the Lawndale Fashion Club has created a new matchmaking site aimed at popular teens like ourselves. Our site is troll-free and highly exclusive. In fact, it's so exclusive that we're the only ones on it so far. (We have to maintain our standards, especially on the Internet, where even unattractive people shamelessly parade their pale jiggly cellulite in front of total strangers.)
So click here to go to THE SELECTIVE SOULMATE and see if you qualify for membership. Note: Guys only. We don't need the competition.
You're the creme de la creme, so why can't you seem to meet the creme de la men? That's what I ask myself every day, especially when my date shows up at the door with candy-colored carnations. Well, I'm not the type to mope. I'd rather complain, and then do something about the situation.
THE SELECTIVE SOULMATE offers a stylish online environment where quality guys can connect with upscale girls like me and my friends. If you are between the ages of 16 and 18 (attention creepy old men, my cousin works for the FBI) and you think that you have what it takes to date one of us, fill out our questionnaire and see if you make the grade. We will contact you as soon as we're done reviewing your credit rating and background check (did I mention my cousin works for the FBI?).
And girls, why don't you try one of those matchmaking sites with tacky MIDI music and clip art of baby cupids? They'll let anyone in.
"Click here to meet the girl of your dreams, assuming you don't have those dreams on some tacky futon."
(This has the largest photo of all profiles) "Not-At-All-Desperately Seeking Someone." They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, so there's no doubt I'm ready for a relationship. Some guys find me intimidating and judgmental, but that's their problem. I like the idea of long walks on the beach but in reality they make your hair frizzy.
Interests: Gemstone identification, the tragic life and death of Princess Di, debating the difference between trouser socks and knee-highs.
Relationship goals: I hope to meet my other half, start a family, and buy a house you can't see from the road.
My ideal man: Someone who will treat me with respect and devotion, even on those days when I can't stand the sight of his fat stupid face.
"Are You Out There? Helloooo?"
I have a very steady hand when it comes to putting on eyeliner and I can count to five in three languages (or is it three in five languages?). I think I want to do something in the fashion world, like be a model or design bows.
Interests: Grooming (especially buffing), the tragic life and death of Selena, varieties of lettuce.
Relationship goal: I am looking for a serious long term relationship of at least three months.
My ideal man: Is comfortable in both jeans and a tuxedo, but not at the same time. That would just be weird.
"Femme Fantastique Seeks Same, But A Guy!"
I have been told that I am cute (like constantly) and upbeat. I am an eternal optimist: the glass is always half full, not half empty. But either way, can you get me another soda?
Interests: Fine dining, the tragic life and death of JFK Jr., animal rights (but none of that paint-throwing stuff), Pilates.
Relationship goal: To find an equal partner in life to share everything with, except the closets where I need at least 75 percent.
My ideal man: I am looking for my knight in shining armor. A flat area on the armor would be helpful for fixing lipstick.
"Sweep this Braided Beauty Off Her 6 1/2 AA Feet"
I am an open and caring individual. Some people say I'm too open and caring. Sometimes I worry they may be right. Some people say I worry too much. At least I think they do, although I might be projecting. Sometimes I project too much.
Interests: Aromatherapy, the tragic life and death of Margaux Hemingway, collecting fragile glass animals, assertiveness training.
Relationship goal: I'd like to meet someone to grow old with. A plastic surgeon would be helpful in this area.
My ideal man: Will accept me as I am. Unless you'd like me better if I were different. What should I change?
"Annoying Sibling...I Mean, Distant Relative...Seeks Guy To Get Her Out of the House"
This low-maintenance girl with glasses could be cute if she would just try. We hate it when she's home on Saturday night and giving us "that look." She has a boyfriend but he's cheap: he just comes over and they order pizza and make fun of us double so we're lining up replacements. If you step up to the plate, we'll make it worth your while.
Interests: Ridicule, sarcasm, withering comments.
Relationship goal: She'd probably be pretty happy with someone she'd never have to see or speak to.
My ideal man: Would go to the ends of the earth for her, and preferably take her with him.
"It's a simple form that takes only minutes to complete. Then you can get back to pining."
(Most questions are about your car)
"Quinn is full of useful advice in her usual know-it-all way."
"Here are some guidelines for cyberdating, because online etiquette can be as confusing as keeping the forks straight at Chez Pierre. (By the way, the one for the snails is cute and almost makes up for having to eat them.)
"1. If you receive an e-mail and are not interested, respond with a polite "thanks, but no thanks." Comments like "Keep dreaming, ape boy" are inappropriate.
"2. Do not reply to ads with a form letter. Take the time to compose a personal response, or at least change the color of the type.
"3. Don't lie about your appearance. It may create an awkward situation when you finally meet, especially if you said you are good-looking and you're not. The other way around is probably okay, because you would never get to meet me anyway so I wouldn't know you were lying after all.
"4. It's considered proper to correspond with or contact more than one person at a time. If they turn out to be the same person with two screen names, they owe you two dates.
"5. It is a bad idea to dump someone by e-mail. Doing it by phone or in person is so much more satisfying."
"Tiffany tells us how to protect ourselves in an online world full of weirdo freaks and sorry geeks."
Tiffany Blum-Deckler informs us:
"As you enter the world of Internet dating, it's important to be cautious and careful. Always trust your instincts. I once did and somehow I just knew Cashman's had reduced all cashmere 50 percent and got there before anyone else.
"1. Ask for a current picture. Have the guy take a photo holding today's newspaper. (If the paper says something like "I Had Bigfoot's Baby!," delete him immediately and block all e-mail.)
"2. Don't believe everything you read. Some people make themselves sound better than they are, like saying that they're rich when they're really upper middle class.
"3. If a guy tells you not to call him at home that could mean he's married or trying to hide something, like a stupid answering machine message.
"4. Don't put personal information in your ad like your telephone number or last name or locker combination.
"5. In you decide to meet in person, choose a public place and bring along a chaperone. Make sure the chaperone is a cute guy, so you have backup if it doesn't work out."
"Stacy profiles a couple who met online and are still in that show-offy stage. It’s kind of sickening, actually."
"Internet dating may seem awkward and intimidating at first but it has proven successful for many a couple, including Tina and Steven Perlite.
"They met in an online chat room for mosaic enthusiasts. "Tina was an expert on pique assiette, a form of mosaic using smashed crockery, and although I prefer the regularity of mass-produced tile we really hit it off," says Steven, who's kind of, um, a nerd. "And her spelling was excellent."
"The first time we spoke on the phone we talked for 36 hours straight and I totally forgot to monitor my low blood sugar," gushes Tina, who's sort of a bit Pointdextery. "I forgot to eat, passed out, and had to be revived by EMS, but it was worth it."
"Romance blossomed and they fell in love without even knowing what the other one looked like, which is so totally romantic and I wish could happen to me so I wouldn't always be worried about whether my hair is flat from too much conditioner.
"We are celebrating our one year anniversary this month and soon will be hearing the pitter patter of little feet," adds Tina. "We plan to adopt a pug and dress it up in funny clothes and take it to tea parties."
"Well, despite the fact that they sound incredibly dorky, they seem happy. I guess it proves that "it's what's inside that counts." Sandi agrees, but I think she's talking about wallets."